1. I couldn’t shake the ‘Black Dog’
You may have heard of the ‘Sunday Scaries’ or ‘The Black Dog’. It’s a feeling that follows you around like a cloud after a night of drinking. You wake up with a mouth like the Sahara desert and a sense of impending doom. You think back on the night before, trying to piece things together. Did I do something terrible? Did I offend anyone? Who was I texting? Does everyone hate me? You grasp at straws trying to figure out why you feel so acidically anxious. The next time you go out, you’re on your best behaviour. But, no matter how your night goes, you still feel the same anxiety. As I got into my 30s, I noticed the Black Dog snapping at my heels for much longer. When the raincloud was still in full thunder mode by Wednesday, I started to question if it was worth it. The negative thinking I was experiencing got really dark. A little voice would whisper “It would be better if you just ended it”. This experience shocked me as my life was going relatively well. I realised I could no longer trust my own mind and alcohol was doing me dirty.
2. From hazy memories to total blackout
We all know the iconic 2009 movie ‘The Hangover’. Days before his wedding, Doug and his best men go to Vegas for his bachelor party. The next day, they wake up without any recollection of the night before and are left to desperately deal with the fallout. The movie is hilarious and even won the Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture. Do I love this movie? Yes. Do I want it to be my life? Umm no. My drunken escapades were by no means as extreme as ‘The Hangover’ however, I felt like only remembering 20% of the night before was a bum deal. My bank account certainly remembered the Jager bombs I bought for myself and some randoms at the bar. Having little to no memory helps the Black Dog grow bigger and stronger. The night before I gave up drinking forever was an uneventful night. I had met a bunch of guys from a hiking group. I’d been on my best behaviour. We stayed out late but not too crazy. I went home. The next day, my anxiety was crippling. I could remember most of the night but it was hazy. One of the lads tried to wind me up saying I had kissed his friend. I knew I hadn’t but it still sent me spiralling. Alcohol had taken away my power. It had opened me up to being vulnerable. At that moment, I decided I was never going to relinquish control to anyone or anything else again.
3. Far too many cancelled plans
The British are famous for fish & chips, football, the Royal Family and making plans on a night out only to cancel them the next day. The older I got, the more I resented my flakiness. I started to remember the things I had missed out on due to being horrendously hungover. Imagine travelling hours on a coach from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia just to see the inside of the hotel, the inside of a bar and the inside of a toilet bowl. What a waste. It was probably an amazing night but let’s face it I couldn’t remember half of it. The last time I had to cancel plans, I missed out on foraging for wild mushrooms in a Welsh forest with a group of new friends I had made in the town I had just moved to. I made it to the Sunday lunch but had to dip out soon after as I was going to throw up. First impressions are everything and I had painted myself as chaotic and flaky. That isn’t who I wanted to be.
4. Dreading having my photo taken
Several years ago, I was living in Singapore and it was Halloween. I dressed as a devil in a figure-hugging, red jumpsuit with a tail and horns. When taking selfies en route, I looked great. I was having a wonderful time drinking with my friends in the busy bar area. That was until someone took a group photo. I rushed to check how I looked and damn…less sexy, red devil and more hippo in shrink wrap. My confidence hit the floor. I hurried home and I sobbed on the bathroom floor. I was just completely over it. I had been fat for my entire adult life. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that my self-worth shouldn’t be tied to my physical appearance but I had been struggling for years to get it under control. Every time I felt a diet or exercise was working, I’d fall back into binge eating snacks and hibernating on the sofa. I’d be so good Monday-Thursday then I’d ruin all my progress over the weekend. Why did I do this? Because of alcohol! An average glass of Sauvignon Blanc contains 120 calories. A whole bottle averages around 600 calories. And it doesn’t end there though, does it? What happens on the way home from the club? You find yourself in the kebab shop of course! That’s another 600 calories! Then comes the joys of the next day. It’s a Maccies brekkie followed by a day of snacking on Doritos and chocolate. Was I getting outside to exercise during all of this? You already know the answer. If I wanted to be healthy and if I wanted my dream figure, I’d have to stop drinking. It was derailing my fitness plans and reducing my willpower to zero.
5. A grope too far
According to DrinkAware.co.uk, just over a third of women (35%) have received unwanted sexual contact on a night out. Alcohol dulls our senses and makes us slower to react. When I’m drunk, I tend to be hyper-friendly. I think everyone is great and wants to be my new bestie! I was completely missing the ill intentions of certain individuals. The negative experiences I had whilst intoxicated are many and stretch far back but the tipping point happened in my local pub where an elderly man groped my backside. Not once, but twice. The first time I tried to brush it off as his mistake. The second time I had to scold him as it was obviously intentional. My initial reaction was to sweep the incident under the carpet as I was in the pub, I was drinking, and I was supposed to be having fun. It was only the next day when the groping incident kept popping up in my mind that I realised it had deeply affected me. It was a culmination of all the other unsavoury situations I’d found myself in. It wasn’t my fault but I needed to reduce the risk of it happening again. I needed to be able to deal with this sort of person properly. Since giving up drinking, I’ve been more careful of who I offer friendships to and where I spend my time.
Final thoughts
Society has taught us two things for the longest time:
1) You have to hit rock bottom to give up alcohol
2) Only people who are physically dependent on alcohol have a drinking problem
Recent years have shone a sobering light on this attitude and now it’s abundantly clear that problem drinking is on a spectrum.
Giving up alcohol has been the most life-altering experience but the act of stopping was just the outer layer of the onion. The real significant change and growth comes from peeling back the subsequent layers.
I’m a few months into my journey at the time of posting but I hope you join me on this wild ride to becoming the best version of myself.
Let me know in the comments what your reasons are for giving up alcohol or what they could be if you’re sober curious.
Much love
Cher Reynolds
